I mostly finish my articles in 3o to 45 minutes. This is the article which I have been writing for many days. In other articles I was giving some new information but in this every mother know the rules. But we lack. I didn’t want to pin point mistakes. But unfortunately I have done it – otherwise it was hard for me to convey my thoughts.
“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” – Robert Fulghum
- Children are our mirror reflection. If we notice some problem in them – don’t blame them. We are going wrong somewhere. We need to change our self rather than summoning the child.
- Because of the low intellect – even though we know the problem we don’t correct it rather gives an excuse or blame the environment. This has to be avoided.
Spend valuable time: “Kids spell love T-I-M-E.” – John Crudele
- This requires no explanation.
- Suppose you are sitting with your child to read a book. Don’t allow any distractions. Say attending a phone in between.
- Spend 30 minutes – that is enough but devoted time.
- This devoted time increases concentration in kids.
- If we devote 2 hours of distracted time. The child will also be a restless child and will not concentrate on one thing for a long time.
All kids have the same capability – wait, don’t force
The ability to understand new information is called udana in Sanskrit. This capacity is high at infancy. As we grow older it diminishes. But unfortunately this udana will not build the intellect. Any amount of information gathered will improve the intelligence and not the intellect. All information gained without intellect cannot be put to full use.
The intelligent mothers are not aware of this fact and they force the children to gain maximum knowledge. A good education means drawing information from the student and not forcing it on them.
In gurukulam on those days, the guru (the teacher) will ask questions to the students to check whether they have understood his lessons. If by chance they are unable to answer they were not branded as unintelligent child. Rather the guru will think that he didn’t teach in a way that the students could understand and grasp. He will change his teaching pattern.
If by chance your child is not performing well – the child is not to be blamed. The teaching pattern has to be changed at home. Again don’t try to change the schools. Change your teaching pattern. Don’t force. Wait for them to come to you and be available.
An intelligent mother never stays idle; the worse is that they cannot see any body being idle. If they see their kids doing some silly games they would be annoyed and force them to do something productive.
The parents need to improve the intellect and change the teaching pattern rather than blaming the child. This will make them self – responsible and disciplined. By forcing – they will be adamant and do exactly opposite in your absence.
Children are not the decision makers of the house and you are the decision maker
Example 1: The intelligent mother is thinking of having a second child. Because of her low intellect she is confused and cannot decide.
She will call her first child and ask whether the child likes to play with the baby brother or sister. Suppose this question was asked when the child was watching a cartoon and replies “I don’t want to play with anybody – leave me”. Then this intelligent mother will decide not to have the second baby thinking that the first child will not accommodate the new born.
If the child replies “I will play with the baby”. She will go head with the decision.
I call it the inability to decide. But the intelligent mother will call it as though she is asking the first child opinion so that the child handles well when the new born arrives. Believe me children accept everything when presented well. They don’t have any choices and the choices are forced on to the child by the environment.
Example 2: Questions like,
- How do I look?
- What do I cook?
- Do you want to have dinner etc, are asked to the children.
When the first question is asked for the first time, mostly the child doesn’t reply anything. The mother is actually asking the question to herself and not to the child. Suppose she feels she is not looking good – she will say ” let me change I am not looking good”.
The next time when she is dressing – the child will say “mamma you are not looking good – change your dress”. The mother will be annoyed with the child and shout at the child saying you are not capable of deciding, go and do your work.
The child is confused.
Question 2 is asked. The child says French fries. The mother will say you Junker – today I will make healthy food and you have to eat it. The child values every word of the mother and considers himself as a Junker.
Question 3 is asked. The child answers “No, I don’t want to eat”. I don’t have to tell the mothers reaction. Rather tell them to come for dinner.
My point: don’t ask questions – show them the right way.
But unfortunately the mother thinks that it is important to take the child’s view. If you are friendly with the child – they will on their own come to you and give there view when required. Don’t think that you are ordering everything. It works and helps them to be confident.
Asking questions also creates likes and dislikes.
Talk about the facts and give situations and ask questions. That is healthy.
This is possible only if the mothers develops the intellect and get clarity of thinking.
Make the child confident – change your words
“The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven’s lieutenants.”– Shakespeare
“If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.” – Haim Ginott
By changing the words we use – we can build confidence in the child. I read this small story in the net………..
There was a child living with his father in a house. They had a huge tree in their garden. Aunt visited their house with her daughter. Both the kids climbed the tree and sitting on the branches. The father and aunt were sipping a cup of tea in the courtyard. Suddenly the wind started blowing and the branches were shaking. The aunt shouted saying see I told you – you are going to fall. The father told the child “hold on tight my baby”. Because of the aunt’s words her daughter fell down and the child because of the father’s word held the branch tight.
It might sound unbelievable for many. But whenever a child falls don’t say “oh! No” etc. just quietly attend to the situation. Suppose the child is rocking on a chair and you feel he might fall. Don’t raise your voice – rather go and stop the child.
Rather than saying – don’t do; say what is to be done. The more we say “don’t do” the more they do. Mind is a monkey – its nature is to do opposite.
Story 1: Told by Swami Parthasarathy – In South India there is a tradition to light the lamp for the GOD in the evening when it is getting dark. There is a rule in most houses to first light the lamp for the GOD and open the front door of the house – presuming that the GOD is entering the house. Even if we are studying we need to switch on the light in our rooms only when this special lighting for GOD is done. One other rule is that nobody should stand near the front door as it will block the entry for the GOD.
One such evening the grand mother was lighting the lamp. The grand children were playing in the drawing room with the grand father. The grand father unnecessarily warned the children not to stand at the front door. As expected the youngest of all stood there and blocked the way. He just refused to move. If the grand father was quiet, the kids would have been happily playing. Because he said don’t do – they did it.
Story 2: A king – obviously had every riches, but had a problem of baldness. This was bothering him badly. He went to a swami and asked “Swami – I have everything but I am bothered about my baldness. Can you give me a solution”? The swami said “don’t think of egg and sheep for 2 weeks”. He said to swami “Oh! It is so simple and I didn’t know about it – thanks”. Where ever he went he was seeing egg and sheep, everybody is talking about it. He went to the swami again and said “even if you have been quiet I would not have thought about the egg and sheep”. Mind works opposite. If we say don’t think about it – it will think only about it.The point the swami made was don’t bother about the baldness the problem will vanish. The more we bother more it will happen.
So, many a times we unnecessarily warn the child like don’t get scared- for sure the child will get scared.
Rather than saying “I don’t know how you are going to manage”, say “I think you will manage very well”.
Don’t think it will give over confidence. According to me unattended child without love and care only becomes over confident.
Also read my positive thinking article.
A happy mother can produce a happy child
Only if we are happy with our life, we can give a happy environment to our child.
In ancient times, Father enjoyed his profession and the same profession was passed on to his kids. Say a carpenter’s child will be a carpenter, a doctor’s child will be a doctor etc. Mostly father and the child will possess same nature.
Now, the father is not happy about what he is doing? He is doing something against his nature.
The jobs should be chosen based on their nature and not on their talents. Everybody possess talent. If we choose the job based on our nature we will enjoy it and obviously we will also show our talent.
The parents always talk low about themselves to their children. In turn, the kids don’t think the parents are valuable so they start to disrespect them.
First be proud of you. Enjoy whatever you do. Don’t crib. Be happy. Your child will respect you and listen to you.
One mother asked me to include the aspect of children not attending to their parents in old age, in my article on parenting. This is for her.
“Lucky parents who have fine children usually have lucky children who have fine parents.” – James A. Brewer
If the parents are confident role models – the child will also be good and take care of them. This situation happens – when the parents are always unsatisfied and unhappy. Only in such cases the children don’t respect them.
- Parenting is very simple provided we have the time, calmness and the intellect. We need to be the role models. Don’t preach and give summons to your child. Rather change your lifestyle to accommodate the suggestions.
- Spend valuable time.
- Wait, don’t force.
- Children are not the decision makers of the house and you are the decision maker.
- Change your words – Positive words.
- A happy mother can produce a happy child.
- Have some objective to your life. Bringing up your kids is not the objective. In that case you are unnecessarily watching them all the time. Leave them free – be available when they need you. Water the plants and leave the garden – no need to sit and watch. They will grow wonderfully and flower.
Happy parenting….Enjoy every bit of it…………….