Marriage is like a temple
Resting on two pillars
If they come too close to each other
The temple will collapse.
What does this mean?
Love without attachment. It is actually not talking about physical separation but about mental attachment. The more you get attached to something the more is the chance of losing it.
These days the couples are so attached that they will sit together, eat together and it is a crime if we see them alone.
But, in those days – the wife will mostly be with the ladies and will sit separately from the husband. They both had different business to manage. They both helped each other on emergencies. Life was easy and comfortable. They loved each other – irrespective of their actions.
Rules for happy marriage is,
- Unity in diversity – don’t try to change too much to satisfy the other person. The mistakes can be corrected but love the spouse as he or she is.
- Division of roles – It is difficult for these days couples to understand. They want to do all the work together. They think they have so much of understanding. I strongly feel only when we clearly divide the roles there will be no confusion and understanding. There will be freedom and no interference. The work load may be more but there will be complete freedom and stress free life.
Unity in Diversity
- Read my article on Happy Family – How?. From this we will realise the importance of unity in diversity.
- Mind is a monkey. It easily gets bored and it requires change.
- Suppose we bought a beautiful art piece. May be we can spend hours enjoying its beauty. But after some time we will be bored.
- Similarly a new wife might be beautiful for sometime then things become normal and used to.
- In the long run, a person cannot satisfy all the needs of the other person, however good he/she may be.
- Couples should not concentrate on each other rather allow them to spend some time with others.
- In joint families this was easily possible. Suppose the wife likes humor then the youngest brother in law might be humorous. She will laugh,talk with him, then that urge is satisfied.
- But if she going to compare her husband with his brother and complain saying that he is not humorous. Then problem.
- One person cannot have all the expected quality. Love him as he is.
Commitment – Unconditional love
- In olden days, the wedding ceremony happened for 3 to 5 days. After the main ceremony of marriage is done the husband really looks at his wife.
- No perceptions about the person.
- First, commitment to love and live together is made. Whatever happens? How ever she is?
- Now- a- days, people fall in love and enter into a commitment. This commitment is based on so many conditions. Couples keep figuring out at every stage whether there is love?
- In those days, there was no insecurity that some husband will leave the wife or vice versa.
- Even if they make mistakes the other person still loves them.
- Good eg. Rama and Sita. Whatever the husband thinks or behaves doesn’t matter. He loves his wife. His behaviour /action do not matter.
- Even though Rama suspected Sita and asked her to go into the fire to prove her purity. Sita still loved him because of the unconditional love and not because of the action.
- This may sound very hard to digest. But somewhere this unconditional love is required to stay together for a long time.
- This commitment to unconditional love has to be there from both sides.
- If one person is doing it, then it makes a pity situation.
- This love also creates beauty.
- If we really love the nature of the person whatever they do will look beautiful.
- Don’t love a person based on their talents.
- We love our children unconditionally. The similar situation has to happen with the spouse.
- Intense love does not measure, it just gives – Mother Teresa.
- It is important to love without attachment. Giving this unconditional love without thinking that we are receiving it in return.
- Loving without attachment is a difficult concept. I will explain in great detail later…..
Division of Roles
- It is important to divide the roles.
- In those days, women were given the job to take care of the house and the kids and the men would work and earn for the family.Because of the bio chemistry.
- The husband will not interfere in the household activities and the wife is least bothered about the husband’s job.
- Even if the wife makes some complaints about the household activities the husband hardly reacts.
- If the husband talks some thing about his job. The wife will listen but not react as this is not her area of expertise. No issues.
- Now there is difference of opinion in everything as all jobs are equally shared.
- Discussion on where to keep the coffee mugs? Which laundry to be done? Why did you mix white and coloured clothes? etc.
- Whenever the husband and wife sit together there will be an official meeting to discuss the difference of opinions. Where is the romance?
- I was unhappy in my initial days of marriage that my husband is hardly helping me. When I discussed with my mother, she said” your husband is a darling he hardly finds any fault. He gives full freedom for you to work. If you expect him to work with you then he will find problems in your work. Which one do you want – help from your husband or finding problems”.
- I reconciled with a non helping non finding fault husband.
- It is true; if you expect your husband to do the daily chores then you should also be ready to receive the list of complaints.
- I have seen many ladies cooking a wonderful meal for 1 1/2 to 2 hours. But will not spend time to serve the food and clean the kitchen.
- The husband is expected to take the food himself. In that case, for sure the husband will find some problem like quantity cooked, taste, serving dish etc.
- In those days women were smart. They didn’t unnecessarily do a lot of work.
- They used to cook and serve sitting near their husbands. They never gave the opportunity for the husband to enter the kitchen and find problems.
- I am not asking all the women to sit at home and cook. But clearly divide your roles.
- One person will do the kitchen work means cooking, cleaning, serving etc.
- The other will do the laundry.
- Both of them will not interfere in the others area of work.
- Initially, both of them are unskilled labour, with some years of experience they will become skilled.
- Suppose the husband comes from office and the food is readily served on table for him. It doesn’t matter whether it was cooked by the wife or got it made or ordered.
- In other case the food is generally not ready on time with some excuses all the time.
- One such evening, the husband comes home and he planned to watch the cricket or football match.
- But the food was not ready. May be that day a genuine reason of kid sick and the wife also slightly unwell?
- In case of the family where the food is readily available. The husband will suspect why it is not so today and will help the wife forgetting the match.
- In case of the family where the food is generally not ready on time, the husband will be least bothered about the sickness and indulge himself in watching the match.
- I am not against any husbands. I am just making a point that it is important to classify the work and do it properly on time. How you do it? really does not matter.
- In case of emergencies both of them will be ready to sacrifice and help each other.
- Even though you don’t agree with this point – just think about it.
- Husband and wife together can make this world of illusion to the world of heaven.
- But nothing comes free. Some sacrifice is required.
How to choose your partner
- If you are already married, nothing can be done.
- But love at first site may not be a good idea. Because you are in love from the beginning. Love makes you blind. You will not be able to understand the person. In that case, if you are serious – it is worth to take the opinions of your friends and family before getting into a commitment.
- It is better if the girl proposes. Even in the Vedic time there is a proof that women are much better in choosing their husbands. In swayamvara the girl chooses her husband and puts a garland.
- It is better to have a friend and later realising and entering into a commitment. Then there is more possibility of knowing the persons nature and family background.
- The family background and the caste are important. In the sense, even if we marry in the same community there are so much of differences and so many sacrifices have to be made. In case of different cultural background the adjustments have to be much more. If you are prepared go head.
- Involving your family is a good idea. Your mother will look into certain aspects and the father something else and the brother and sisters will observe something. So it matters.
- Whatever it is. There is always an exception to the rules.
- The point is if the family background and the nature of the boy is good go head. The talent really does not matter. Don’t consider a person only on talents.
- Both of them should be ready for the commitment of unconditional love, and then the life will be a heaven.
Grasp all the points in mind. Don’t get agitated. Forget these rules. Somehow you will naturally follow them.