Lower your expectations to be happy………………….
“Happiness is living without expectations. “ Peter Cajander
A boy was very good in studies. His parents gave him the best education. He got an wonderful job. He bought a car and booked a flat. He thought he could have a partner.
What is that he is expecting and why he wants to get married?
If you ask this fellow – at this stage – he would say he needs a company.
When this thought came – his mother approached him with an alliance just suitable for him. He saw the girl – she was very beautiful. They got married.
A very happy life for 2 years. The husband thought he could have a child. Unfortunately, they were not blessed naturally with one.
So, now – he wanted a company – he also wanted a child.
Somehow with all the scientific development – they got a baby.
After few years, it was found that the child was deaf and dumb.
So, now – he wanted a company – he wanted a baby – the baby has to be healthy.
Expectations keep on adding. (This example was given by Swami Parthasarathy).
This example is given to show that – we develop more expectation as we grow in the relationship.
Women is no exception even they have lots of expectations. In this article, I am not going to discuss about the various expectations of people. I am going to give solution to reduce the expectations.
These are some interesting articles – I found on the net on expectations.
Please read them to understand the general expectations of husband, wife and mother in law.
To have a healthy relationship – we need to reduce the expectations and stop demanding things from others.
How is this possible ?
If the women does her duties without expecting anything from any one. Over a time everyone in the family will start doing their respective duties without major expectations.
Normally, the women does not do her duties – they complain saying – why I should cook everyday – why I should take care of the kids – Why should I work like a domestic help – Why should my husband earn ; even I am educated, why can’t I work – I am sacrificing my life for the family !!!!
My answer is – fine.
- Don’t cook and fight for your rights all the time.
- Don’t take care of your kids – let them be handled by anyone. You relax.
- Don’t work like a domestic help. Let your house be messy.
- You also work and earn. And keep discussing with your husband as to what household work he should share. Both of you can blame each other.
- Don’t sacrifice for your family.
Is this what the modern women wants !!!!
Why can’t the women cook and take care of the house happily. Why can’t we sacrifice the career for the family.
Why are we expecting someone else to sacrifice. Why can’t we make a start.
If we have expectations – we will start demanding.
Even when the demands are reasonable and logical – it is the human tendency to rebel when there is a demand.
How can we manage the house without expectations ?
I am giving some examples – These are not the only solutions. You lead the life; however you want but without expectations.
A typical Indian family – My best Joint family is an example for this typical Indian family.
My Granny (Mother in law ) :
As the sun rises in the morning everyday without any expectation – my granny (MIL) used to wake up by 3.30 am. She will prepare the meal for the whole family by 7.30 am. Not even one day – none of the family members got late for work or school or college because the food was not ready. After this work, my granny (MIL) used to do her pooja and relax in her room. She will not interfere as to who ate how much ? or how was the food? etc.
Whenever there is any function or wedding to be attended – she will send my mother and father. She will stay at home and take care of the kids. My parents also does not use this opportunity and burden her all the time. They also know where to go and when to go.
She will not interfere in the money matters or in the education of the grand children. She will not give unnecessary advises . They know very well that the kids learn from the elders (being a role model ) and giving advises is a waste of time.
Even when taking care of the kids she will not give advises or suggestions. She will just feed the kids and will allow them to play. That’s all.
She will not remind her sons for their duties. She is never worry about her sons and daughter. She was very sure that they will do their duties perfectly.
She always thought my mother as her daughter. She never felt a burden to cook for her. She felt – it is her duty to cook for her family. Let the family member be her daughter or daughter in law.
All the food is prepared in plenty. Never they bothered about wastage. The left over food was happily given to the maids. They were always thankful to the nature for being so kind on them.
She will never ask her sons to take her anywhere. Even when asked – she will say – my life is over – I don’t want to go anywhere.
She will just have 2 simple meals. She says ” even though I am not helping much – I don’t want to bother others”. Even after cooking the meal for the whole family she will say this.
She will also say that she wants to die in peace and she will not burden her sons and daughter in laws to take care of her in the old age. She says if my parents have done good deeds she will die early in peace.
This is what is called non – attachment. Doing everything, having the whole family, having every possession and can enjoy but she felt her duties are over and now it is the turn of her kids.
She just did her part and no expectations from anyone.
My Father and his elder brother :
FATHER SHOULD BE NEITHER SEEN NOR HEARD
My fathers used to go for work and earn for the family.
Before any family member asks for anything – they will feel the need and provide it.
They were not very generous in providing the luxuries. But the basis was given without being asked.
My mothers (my mother and my fathers brothers wife) went to the neighbours house for watching Television (TV). My father’s elder brother came home and asked my granny – where are the daughter in laws ? The moment he heard that they went to watch TV – the very next day ; he bought a new TV. No discussions as to why they went to the neighbours house etc. He felt that the women in the house are wanting a TV. So it was provided.
They never enteratained unnecessary discussions in the house. Even when my aunts used to visit our house and discuss about their family matters with my mothers – my fathers used to leave that place or warn them to be quiet.
They know discussions and worries are waste of time.
They used to just relax at home after their work. No household work was done by them.
They did their duties and no expectations from anyone.
My Mothers :
They used to serve the food cooked for the family members, clean the house, wash the clothes and took good care of the kids. That’s all. Never felt they were the domestic help of the family.
They never stopped their husband from doing their duties to their sisters and other family members.
They did their duties and had no expectations from anyone.
On top of all this – they never blamed each other.
The respect the husband gives for the wife is – if he does his duties without blaming the wife.
The respect the wife gives for the husband is – if she does her duties without blaming the husband.
Being a mother – I can give an another example – suppose you want your small kid to colour – you please take a picture and start colouring with full interest. Don’t ask inbetween whether your child wants to colour. Do it once or twice – you child will volunteer for colouring.
Don’t expect – just be a facilitator.
If you are a MIL reading this article – then check whether you are doing your duties before expecting anything from anyone.
If you are a husband reading this article – then check whether you are doing your duties before expecting anything from anyone.
If you are a wife reading this article – then check whether you are doing your duties before expecting anything from anyone. If you are in a nuclear family – you need to step into the shoes of the MIL.
Please don’t remind others about their duties. First, decide what is your duty. Nobody should tell you. You decide on your own. Even if others compel – be stuburn and just do your duty.
If someone is asking suggestion etc. Tell them that this is not your duty.
Do your duties consistently and happily.
It does not mean that you should not take any help from any family members. Please take help from people who volunteer – don’t demand or force.
Just manage on your own. A human being is self sufficient.
But we need atleast some external support to sit alone say a magazine. Please learn to sit idle for 10 minutes. This will show how self sufficient you are. If you can’t – then for sure you will need the external support all the time (you will be expecting and demanding).
We are self sufficient and learn to be independent and be a facilitator for others.
We are natures kids – we need have a gratitude towards the nature and serving others will make us grow better.
The next question is – we might stop expecting – how can we stop others from expecting?
Just do your duty. Be stuburn – don’t entertain others unnecessary expectations.
Be prepared for the consequences.
Once in a while you can accomodate – if the demand are too much and too often. You just ignore. But, continue to serve. Don’t stop your duties. Do it happily. The people around you will also change and the relationships will be healthy.
If we have less expectation – we will be more happy.
A very high level of expectations in life may cause severe depression.
- In my family, all the children (little grownup) getup on their own and get ready. If by chance, they have slept for a longer time. My family members, would say – good – ” you get late one day and from tomorrow you will be responsible”. At the same time, they will also say – relax – no need to hurry – nothing wrong in going late for a day. But, the food will be ready on time. My mothers did their duty and never bothered to do others duty. Today, the mothers have not prepared the food – they will wake the child and sit with the child throughout the night for studying. JUST DO YOUR DUTY. This will make all the family members responsible. Just sitting or helping others is not love. Allowing them to grow with your full support is true love.
- If a new daughter in law is coming home. If the mother in law is going to think whether she will cope with our family, whether she will manage home and work, whether she will do the daily chores etc. I will say this is expectation. If the same mother in law is going to think – oh! my daughter in law is going to come -she is a young girl – I need to help her to cope-up with the new family, I will do the work and will teach her slowly slowly, I will help her in all problems. If these are the words of the mother in law the relationship will be smooth.
- If all the old people are going to think like my granny – she wanted to die in peace without giving trouble to her children. But, normally old people will worry whether their kids will take care of them in old age, what will we do if the physical body is not co operating, who will help us – sons or daughters etc. If you are a person worrying like this then for sure your kids will not take care of you. It is not that they don’t want to – the situations will make your worry come true. Be positive. One of the qualities of a real bhakta is – he should not trouble the world. In today’s scenario there are too many old people – they don’t want to die (average death age has become 80 years). They have so many desires to see grand children, great grand children etc. The old people needs some care and support (right from 60 years atleast). The younger generation has their own jobs. How long can they sacrifice their jobs and take care of the old people. The old people should realise this and ponder -what is the use of the lust in old age – what is the use of all the desires when the physical body has become weak. Ponder!!!!! just pray to die in peace without troubling the world. You will get a new life and a new body to full fill all the desire that you have.
- My dear younger generation – if you don’t start reading the scriptures now – you will also be a burden to the world in old age.
- If we have the knowledge (of the truth) then in old age we will have followers.